I'm in a pretty dark place these days. All I want to do is cry or sleep and it takes great effort on my part to do either. I have no energy; yet I have a mile long list of things I need to do. In the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about, which makes me feel even worse. I mean, I have a house, food on the table, my husband & I are working, I have my health, a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter and a family who loves me despite the fact that at this moment in time, I'm not quite myself.
I think alot of how I feel is because I'm just plain tired. I'm the kind of tired that lingers and lingers, making me feel heavy & lazy. I'm tired to the point that I've got nothing left to give...to myself, my daughter, my husband, my friends, family and clients. I'm tired of being the referee, the cheerleader, the team player and the coach. I'm tired of hearing the whining and the crying of my 4 yr. old everytime she hears "no" or "later." I'm tired of being "tireless." I'm tired of fighting the uphill battles of life that permeate into every aspect of my existence and I'm tired of working so hard yet acheiving so little. I am tired of feeling alone, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I'm tired of getting nothing accomplished and I'm tired of being tired. I am only one person and I am doing my best to not let the little things bother me, but they do, they really do, and it's because I'm tired.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, that I'm happy and that all is well with the world. I'm tired of my daughter constantly asking for Daddy. I'm tired of my husband asking, "what's for dinner?" when he's completely capable of making something. I'm tired of not knowing who is "safe" for me to reach out to? I'm tired of pettiness, change and having to always be the one who makes an effort.
I wish I could hang a sign around my neck that says, "OFF DUTY." How I wish I could just drop out of my life for a few days. I don't even know what I would do-- I am just tired...tired of being me-- a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a neighbor....take your pick.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Songs in the Key of Mommy
It's the night before Macy starts preschool. I am an emotional wreck. I hate to admit it, but I'm going to be that mom who starts bawling when she gets to her car after dropping Macy off tomorrow for her first 2 1/2 hour session of preschool. I mean, what's the big deal, right? I've left her at friends houses for longer than 2 1/2 hours! Why am I so distraught?
I think it's just that I'm facing the reality that I can't keep her as close, you know? I'm going to lose some of my influence now. That scares me. I have always been influenced by the lyrics in certain songs to help pull me through difficult times. Strange as it may sound, though, there aren't any songs I can think of that address this tug on my heart strings.
When I was pregnant, I had a playlist of sorts that I'd listen to over and over again. The songs are those that have special meaning to me. Among the titles are songs like, "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder and "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride. These two songs, in particular, hold a special place in my heart and I never tire of hearing them. I think of them at times when my daughter, Macy, is being particularly angelic because they remind me to cherish this time I have with her as a toddler. I also find myself thinking of them when she's a handful because these songs ground me. They remind me to give extra hugs & kisses as well as take lots of deep breaths and count to 10, 20 or even 100 on days I don't think I can deal with Macy's 4 year old antics. Case and point: she's on the floor having a temper tantrum as I write this.
We've spent hours in Music Together classes, playing various instruments, singing along to songs, dancing and singing. I always felt rather self-conscious acting so silly with other parents around, but figured, they probably felt the same way. Macy looked forward to her music classes every week and I must admit, my favorite part of each class was the free dance segment. She loved to twirl around and make us both dizzy. I never tire of hearing her giggle and cackle.
Then, there are the songs we sing at StrollerFit. I never realized how much she has picked up over the past 3 years. How I wish I had a copy of the video a friend of a friend took of her during a recent camping trip, leading the other little kids in a "StrollerFit Spectacular" including such hits as, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" "Twinkle, Twinkle," "The Hokey Pokey" and her personal favorite, "Old McDonald."
I sing to her at night before bedtime. We started out with songs like the Brahm's Lullabye and added things like "Good Night Sweetheart" but the old stand-by is a song I learned as a teenager--"Circle Game" by Joni Mitchell. I've not once heard the Joni Mitchell version of this song, but I sing it to my daughter every night & she will not fall asleep if I don't. It's a special ritual we've established and I treasure it.
I hope that some of the songs she'll sing at preschool will not only be familiar, but also remind her of the time we spent together and will continue spending together as she grows up.
I think it's just that I'm facing the reality that I can't keep her as close, you know? I'm going to lose some of my influence now. That scares me. I have always been influenced by the lyrics in certain songs to help pull me through difficult times. Strange as it may sound, though, there aren't any songs I can think of that address this tug on my heart strings.
When I was pregnant, I had a playlist of sorts that I'd listen to over and over again. The songs are those that have special meaning to me. Among the titles are songs like, "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder and "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride. These two songs, in particular, hold a special place in my heart and I never tire of hearing them. I think of them at times when my daughter, Macy, is being particularly angelic because they remind me to cherish this time I have with her as a toddler. I also find myself thinking of them when she's a handful because these songs ground me. They remind me to give extra hugs & kisses as well as take lots of deep breaths and count to 10, 20 or even 100 on days I don't think I can deal with Macy's 4 year old antics. Case and point: she's on the floor having a temper tantrum as I write this.
We've spent hours in Music Together classes, playing various instruments, singing along to songs, dancing and singing. I always felt rather self-conscious acting so silly with other parents around, but figured, they probably felt the same way. Macy looked forward to her music classes every week and I must admit, my favorite part of each class was the free dance segment. She loved to twirl around and make us both dizzy. I never tire of hearing her giggle and cackle.
Then, there are the songs we sing at StrollerFit. I never realized how much she has picked up over the past 3 years. How I wish I had a copy of the video a friend of a friend took of her during a recent camping trip, leading the other little kids in a "StrollerFit Spectacular" including such hits as, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" "Twinkle, Twinkle," "The Hokey Pokey" and her personal favorite, "Old McDonald."
I sing to her at night before bedtime. We started out with songs like the Brahm's Lullabye and added things like "Good Night Sweetheart" but the old stand-by is a song I learned as a teenager--"Circle Game" by Joni Mitchell. I've not once heard the Joni Mitchell version of this song, but I sing it to my daughter every night & she will not fall asleep if I don't. It's a special ritual we've established and I treasure it.
I hope that some of the songs she'll sing at preschool will not only be familiar, but also remind her of the time we spent together and will continue spending together as she grows up.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I heard a scream this morning at 1:30am. It was the kind of scream that wakens you from a dead sleep and gets your heart pounding so hard and fast that you think it might leap right out of your chest. The scream was coming from my daughter's room. "What is going on with her?" I asked as both my husband & I raced into her room and found her hysterical crying. "My ear hurts. Mommy, will you hold me?" I enveloped her in my arms and sat, rocking, on the edge of her bed hoping she'd be soothed back to sleep, thinking that it was odd for an ear infection to come on so suddenly.
After about 10 minutes, she said, "Mommy? Can you make my ear feel better?" My heart sank. "Macy, sweetie, we have to go to see the doctor so we can get some medicine and then your ear will feel better." She responded, "I want Daddy." I guess she thought my husband might have a special trick up his sleeve to alleviate her discomfort. So, I carried her into our room, and laid down with her between us, where we all kind of dozed in & out until 6:30 when the alarm clock rang and my husband got up to get ready for work. As any parent of a toddler knows, it's a challenge to get restful sleep when the toddler overtakes the bed, regardless of how big it is. I got punched in the eye, kicked in the stomach, and head-butted, all the while cuddling my daughter close to me, hoping that I was offering her some type of comfort until I could call the pediatrician's office when they opened. Sure enough, at 8:01am, I called for an emergency appointment. Lo and behold there was one available.
I show up at the pediatrician's office and very efficiently, they get us into a room. The doctor comes in, looks at Macy's ear and says, "Well, it's not infected, but it looks as though a blood vessel ruptured near her eardrum and that is why it's so painful. It'll heal on it's own in a couple of days, so all you need to do is manage her pain with Tylenol.
I breathed a sigh of relief although in the back of my mind I was thinking to myself that a ruptured blood vessel sounds worse than an ear infection. Oh well; all that matters is that she's OK.
After about 10 minutes, she said, "Mommy? Can you make my ear feel better?" My heart sank. "Macy, sweetie, we have to go to see the doctor so we can get some medicine and then your ear will feel better." She responded, "I want Daddy." I guess she thought my husband might have a special trick up his sleeve to alleviate her discomfort. So, I carried her into our room, and laid down with her between us, where we all kind of dozed in & out until 6:30 when the alarm clock rang and my husband got up to get ready for work. As any parent of a toddler knows, it's a challenge to get restful sleep when the toddler overtakes the bed, regardless of how big it is. I got punched in the eye, kicked in the stomach, and head-butted, all the while cuddling my daughter close to me, hoping that I was offering her some type of comfort until I could call the pediatrician's office when they opened. Sure enough, at 8:01am, I called for an emergency appointment. Lo and behold there was one available.
I show up at the pediatrician's office and very efficiently, they get us into a room. The doctor comes in, looks at Macy's ear and says, "Well, it's not infected, but it looks as though a blood vessel ruptured near her eardrum and that is why it's so painful. It'll heal on it's own in a couple of days, so all you need to do is manage her pain with Tylenol.
I breathed a sigh of relief although in the back of my mind I was thinking to myself that a ruptured blood vessel sounds worse than an ear infection. Oh well; all that matters is that she's OK.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
To Camp or not to Camp?
OK, I admit it; I've created a monster. My 4 year old daughter LOVES to "go camping." It all started after StrollerFit one day when those magical six words exited my daughter's mouth: "Mommy, I have to go potty." As usual, those words were uttered at the most inconvenient time on a day when A) the port-a-potties at the park were not available for public usage, meaning they were desperately needing to be emptied and cleaned or B) we were too far away from the facilites that the park has on-site to avoid having an accident before we arrived.
So, I improvised; I suggested that my daughter & I take a "nature hike" and go find a place to pretend we could go "camping." Surely, you see where this is going, right? We found a discreet location behind some shrubs and a couple of trees, she copped a squat and took care of business. Over and done, easy as pie. Well, in theory, anyway.
While this didn't become a habit right away, I fear that to my daughter, it is an accepted practice. There was a day not long ago where there were three kids sitting around a tree, doing exactly what I have unintentionally been condoning. A couple months ago, the StrollerFit moms threw me a post-class birthday party. I was busy talking with someone when I noticed Macy was not where I thought she was. I turned toward my stroller and she was standing there watching the geese swim in the pond (or so I thought). When I went over to her, she said, "Hi, Mommy! Guess what? I pooped!" I looked at her and asked, "Did you have an accident?" "No," she replied, "I pooped right there, see?" I followed her pointed finger and saw...well, I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, she wasn't lying to me. So, horrified, I began to think about how I might discreetly dispose of her mess and quietly grabbed a plate from the picnic table to scoop it up and throw it away. It worked. I made a point of telling Macy that she should come tell me the next time she feels the "urge" to go potty and that I would help her find a potty suitable to use for this purpose.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday. It was after StrollerFit, the kids were busy playing their version of StrollerFit and the moms were talking amongst themselves. I hear my name and look up. My instructor looks at me like she's trying to hide a grin and nods her head in the direction of a nearby tree where the kids had been doing their version of wall sits and singing pat-a-cake. I turn my head to see what's going on and there I see my daughter with her undies around her ankles, her little tush leaning on the tree trunk for balance and a stream of pee flowing freely. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, scream or do a combination of all three. Embarrassed, I apologized and my friend laughed. She told me she thought it was hilarious and not to worry about it. Another mom in the group who has a little boy said her son pees in the backyard all the time! What's a mom to do?
I guess this is just one more thing to add to my list of things that nobody tells you when you become a mom. I have since decided that I am going to purchase three of those collapsible potty chairs. I'll put one in each of the cars and keep one in my stroller at all times, so that I can try to curtail this problem before my child turns 18 & I get a call from the police station telling me that she's been arrested for indecent exposure and urninating in public. Of course, should this actually happen, I had the fortitude to establish a bank account to cover the costs of the therapy she'll need for having endured such a traumatic experience(jail time, not peeing in public).
We are actually going camping this weekend and I am thanking my lucky stars that we've got a toilet in the camper!
So, I improvised; I suggested that my daughter & I take a "nature hike" and go find a place to pretend we could go "camping." Surely, you see where this is going, right? We found a discreet location behind some shrubs and a couple of trees, she copped a squat and took care of business. Over and done, easy as pie. Well, in theory, anyway.
While this didn't become a habit right away, I fear that to my daughter, it is an accepted practice. There was a day not long ago where there were three kids sitting around a tree, doing exactly what I have unintentionally been condoning. A couple months ago, the StrollerFit moms threw me a post-class birthday party. I was busy talking with someone when I noticed Macy was not where I thought she was. I turned toward my stroller and she was standing there watching the geese swim in the pond (or so I thought). When I went over to her, she said, "Hi, Mommy! Guess what? I pooped!" I looked at her and asked, "Did you have an accident?" "No," she replied, "I pooped right there, see?" I followed her pointed finger and saw...well, I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, she wasn't lying to me. So, horrified, I began to think about how I might discreetly dispose of her mess and quietly grabbed a plate from the picnic table to scoop it up and throw it away. It worked. I made a point of telling Macy that she should come tell me the next time she feels the "urge" to go potty and that I would help her find a potty suitable to use for this purpose.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday. It was after StrollerFit, the kids were busy playing their version of StrollerFit and the moms were talking amongst themselves. I hear my name and look up. My instructor looks at me like she's trying to hide a grin and nods her head in the direction of a nearby tree where the kids had been doing their version of wall sits and singing pat-a-cake. I turn my head to see what's going on and there I see my daughter with her undies around her ankles, her little tush leaning on the tree trunk for balance and a stream of pee flowing freely. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, scream or do a combination of all three. Embarrassed, I apologized and my friend laughed. She told me she thought it was hilarious and not to worry about it. Another mom in the group who has a little boy said her son pees in the backyard all the time! What's a mom to do?
I guess this is just one more thing to add to my list of things that nobody tells you when you become a mom. I have since decided that I am going to purchase three of those collapsible potty chairs. I'll put one in each of the cars and keep one in my stroller at all times, so that I can try to curtail this problem before my child turns 18 & I get a call from the police station telling me that she's been arrested for indecent exposure and urninating in public. Of course, should this actually happen, I had the fortitude to establish a bank account to cover the costs of the therapy she'll need for having endured such a traumatic experience(jail time, not peeing in public).
We are actually going camping this weekend and I am thanking my lucky stars that we've got a toilet in the camper!
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