Tired Tirade

I'm in a pretty dark place these days. All I want to do is cry or sleep and it takes great effort on my part to do either. I have no energy; yet I have a mile long list of things I need to do. In the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about, which makes me feel even worse. I mean, I have a house, food on the table, my husband & I are working, I have my health, a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter and a family who loves me despite the fact that at this moment in time, I'm not quite myself.

I think alot of how I feel is because I'm just plain tired. I'm the kind of tired that lingers and lingers, making me feel heavy & lazy. I'm tired to the point that I've got nothing left to give...to myself, my daughter, my husband, my friends, family and clients. I'm tired of being the referee, the cheerleader, the team player and the coach. I'm tired of hearing the whining and the crying of my 4 yr. old everytime she hears "no" or "later." I'm tired of being "tireless." I'm tired of fighting the uphill battles of life that permeate into every aspect of my existence and I'm tired of working so hard yet acheiving so little. I am tired of feeling alone, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I'm tired of getting nothing accomplished and I'm tired of being tired. I am only one person and I am doing my best to not let the little things bother me, but they do, they really do, and it's because I'm tired.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, that I'm happy and that all is well with the world. I'm tired of my daughter constantly asking for Daddy. I'm tired of my husband asking, "what's for dinner?" when he's completely capable of making something. I'm tired of not knowing who is "safe" for me to reach out to? I'm tired of pettiness, change and having to always be the one who makes an effort.

I wish I could hang a sign around my neck that says, "OFF DUTY." How I wish I could just drop out of my life for a few days. I don't even know what I would do-- I am just tired...tired of being me-- a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a neighbor....take your pick.