Yesterday was the beginning of a New Year for me. I was raised Jewish, but I don't really practice; I'm more what I jokingly call a "Jew of convenience." So, if & when it suits me, I play along. The rest of the time, well, not so much. Case & point...my parents wanted me to attend services with them and I declined. I had too much going on; a 1/2 marathon in the morning and a birthday party to attend for one my daughter's friends in the afternoon. Attending services isn't my idea of a good time, and so, it wasn't convenient.

So, I get myself to the race and get a good start. I find myself running with a small group of gals who are the pace leaders for the 11 min. milers (me). We chat for a while. At mile 6, I have to pee so bad, I know if I take one more stride the flood gates will open, so I excuse myself hoping that I'll be able to sprint fast enough to catch up to them afterwards, but I know in my heart that it isn't likely to happen. Finished with nature's call, I resume my run and at mile 8, start to have some knee problems. I decide to slow down & walk for a while. This also gives me some time to start thinking about things in my life. There's a line in the movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces" that says "its a dangerous thing to leave a woman alone with her thoughts." I must admit, there's alot of truth there. My mind wanders from subject to subject while I walk and intermittently try to run the last 5 miles of this race.

I've been in a pretty dark place for a while now, and I think I realized that much of this is due to my placing so much energy into my business. I absolutely LOVE teaching my classes but I have discovered that I probably hold alot of the moms in my group to my level of expectation. I'm pretty sensitive and my feelings get hurt very easily. That is where the problem lies...I'm disappointed and hurt almost all of the time. I harbor this disappointment and then I begin to feel resentful and angry. I wouldn't dare single out someone and tell them that my feelings were hurt by what they said, did, etc. Especially because most of it is so petty. I'm the instructor...I can't show how I really feel! It should make me happy to hear that a few moms got together outside of class on their own to do something, but instead, I feel like I've been excluded, and then my thoughts drift into the "what did I do wrong" and "why don't they like me" genre. I swear, I feel like I'm the nerdy kid at school trying to fit in with the "cool" kids.

If they don't attend class, I also take it personally. I mean, why wouldn't they come for a week? Was the last class too easy or too hard? Did I say or do something to offend or upset someone?
To them, not attending class is not personal. But, to me, it is. You see, it's personal because that's what this business is to me. It's about forming relationships with other moms. It's about helping them help themselves get healthier, get fit, and realize their full potential. The problem is that things change. The kids are getting older, the moms are getting busier and they're starting to leave the group. This frightens me. The thought of not having that social network in my life scares me to death. I got into this business so I wouldn't feel so alone and now, I'm 3+ years into it and I've built a good following and I still feel alone, yet for different reasons.

At mile 12, I have an epiphany. I've decided in this New Year (again, it's convenient) that I need to let go of what I cannot control. I need to remind myself that nothing these moms do insofar as class attendance, doing stuff together outside of class, etc. has anything to do with me (thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz, author of "The Four Agreements."). It is about them.

Perhaps I need to start doing things so I can remain true to myself. I think I've spent so much time & energy focusing on what I think this group should be and what I think this group wants, that I've lost sight of what it is I want the group to be and what it is I want out of things. As I cross the finish, I have to fight back tears; my legs are tired & sore; my heart feels heavy, but I'm still standing. This is my first moment of the new year. I want to make it the best it can be--for me.